Saturday was Matthew's official due date. It was also our "Family Day" with my company, though I am not yet back to work. Every year the company pays for all permanent employees and their families or a guest to go to the selected theme park for that year. This year was Universal Studios: Islands of Adventure. Josh wasn't able to attend since he was working, but I did invite a friend and her daughter. We had such a blast, and it was a good distraction for the significance of the day. (It also enabled me to make up for the Sea World trip we didn't go on last week!)
Since Matthew died, I have found it so helpful for my healing to spread God's word and talk about what He has done in our lives recently. I had the opportunity to speak a little more in depth to my friend about how amazing my relationship with God is, on our way to Orlando. I really see His plan shaping me into a more loving, caring person everyday. My husband has also noticed, and thanks me for the changes I have made. I tell him, "Don't thank me, thank God." And he does.
When it comes to working through my grief, I don't really have a plan. I seem to be keeping myself as busy as possible with work around the house, runnihg errands, and not leaving much time for myself. I am realizing that I need to change that. I found a Bible study book called "Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy" which is for mothers who lose a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death. I contacted my church to let them know who I am (it's a huge church), tell them Matthew's story, and to see if there is a Bible study that could be started using this reference. They got back with me and said there is already a group using that book! I met with the group leader yesterday to dicuss some ideas I have and talk about the group. Unfortunately next week is the last meeting until the book is finished, but I will be attending anyways.
To throw a little more onto my already full plate (which is what I'm trying to avoid...) I made the quick decision at Abbie's ballet class last night to attend a GriefShare group at church an hour later. It was the second week of the class. I think there are 13 weeks total. When I first saw it in the church bulletin, I thought it would be a great idea. Then I started wondering if it would even help, because I figured I would be the only one who lost a baby. But I felt that God was really telling me to go, so I went. It was a good sized class, maybe 15 people. We saw a video which showed other people who had lost a loved one, and the different effects it had on them. Those in the group also shared their experiences.I was amazed at how much I had in common with those who lost their parent, spouse, uncle, etc. I was sitting there nodding my head, agreeing and relating to what these other people had gone through. I was the only one who had lost a baby, but it was okay. I understand that there is a grief process, and no matter who someone loses, those steps still have to be taken. I will definitely be taking the class every week because I know I am in need of a step-by-step program. I feel like I am subconsciously avoiding my grief by filling up my plate. Sitting in the group last night put it right in my face. My son died. He's not coming back, and it really hurts. Within 30 seconds of sitting in the chair and watching the video, tears were already coming out. That was the point that I realized that I needed that class and those people. And God knew it. He put it on my mind, and He was right. His plan works.
4 weeks ago