Pregnancy after a Loss

First off, let me say that I am not pregnant. But, another baby has been on our minds, a lot. Josh and I have been talking about when the best timing would be for our family financially, but emotionally I have no idea when I will be ready or if our timing will be right. It is definitely something we will have to pray on to make sure we make good decisions and to let the Lord guide us, but we do have a certain month in mind right now.

I have been having these strong urges that I just want a baby now, and it's really hard just to try and clear them away, because they don't seem to be going anywhere! I don't know if this is a step in the grieving process where my body and mind are saying that they are missing a baby, or if it's the real deal and the time may be coming again.

Abbie and Raleigh have also been talking about another baby. Raleigh just turned four yesterday, and he was expressing to me last week that it wasn't fair that our baby is in Heaven, but his friend's baby (sister or brother) is here on earth. I have a hard time dealing with that, because it is so hard for them to understand at that age, especially since I don't completely understand.

It has been five months that have gone by too quickly. No one could ever replace Matthew, and I will never forget him. I look forward to advice from anyone who has had a baby (or currently pregnant) after a loss.

The Urge to Splurge

Raleigh has a pair of cowboy boots. My dad was over last week, and asked me why I got him cowboy boots. I replied simply that Raleigh REALLY wanted some. And he did. Well...ok, I did too, but only because he insisted on wearing his sister's girly boots everywhere at the time.

There is more behind that story, and I was thinking about it again today. When I was 18 weeks along with Matthew, I received the call from the fetal surgeon's office that they had decided not to do in-utero surgery to give him a shunt which would possibly relieve his obstruction. My husband as you may know, was three hours away at a month-long training class during this devastating time. So after I got off the phone with the surgeon's office, I spent the next hour crying on the couch. I had to force myself to get up, makeup running down my face, to pick up the kids from daycare before they closed.

And now what? It was just me, the kids, and my baby that I just wanted to pretend wasn't even there anymore. So I figured the only way to get through this would be to pretend I wasn't even pregnant. Perfect, right? Yeah, I don't think so. We pulled up to Wal-Mart and my hubby calls. I told him I wasn't pregnant anymore. Ok.....so then he asked me if the baby's name was going to be Matthew. "What baby? I am NOT pregnant!" I gave in and spoke few words, very reluctantly. Apparently I had told his mom that the baby was going to be named Matthew, but neglected to tell my husband, who found out through his mom. Oooops. Sorry hun. Atleast that's what he says, but I think he just tuned me out when I informed him.

Next stop...the shoe store. This is a big coping tool of mine, and probably every other woman out there as well. The kids and I all picked out a pair of shoes, including a pair of boots three sizes too big for Raleigh, and I threw in a new purse as well. Did we really have the money for all that? Nope. Did I care? Nope. I realized today that purse is the same one I am still carrying, which is why I wanted to post on it, because it's significant to me. Little did I realize that I carry with me everywhere, this purse that made me feel surprisingly better after learning that my son would likely die after he would be born. Now, this definitely wasn't the answer to my problems, and I will admit that I don't believe I turned to Christ that night for comfort. I was looking for the quickest way out to make me feel better, and it was a temporary fix. Maybe for an hour.

I would love to hear how anyone else coped with finding about about their baby's diagnosis if anyone wants to share. Have a blessed weekend!

Walking with You~Naming Our Babies

This was last weeks topic for Sufficient Grace Ministries' "Walking with You," but I missed out, and I'm not sure if I'm ready to tackle this weeks question on grief.

Matthew Alexander Harden

I had a tough time naming Matthew. My hubby and I take turns naming the kids, so it was up to me this time around. I knew he needed a special meaning behind his name, which is why I chose Matthew for his first name, which means "Gift from God."

His middle name is what I struggled with the most. I even went through the 10,000 name baby book from front to back (the boys section, that is) and only came out with a list of about 5 middle names. I chose Alexander because I loved how it sounded with the rest of his name, and the meaning suited him as well. Alexander means "Man's defender, warrior." Though he didn't survive long after he was born, he will always be a warrior in my mind. He made it through the pregnancy while in the 1 percentile for amniotic fluid. I worried SO much during the pregnancy that with such little fluid his supply from the placenta would get cut off if he sat on his cord, but my little warrior made it.

Walking with You ~ A Precious Goodbye

Walking With You was created by Kelly of Sufficient Grace Ministries to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. This week, we are sharing about saying good-bye and experiencing the memorial service or funeral if applicable.

I have decided to join Walking with You so that I can re-capture those times before and after Matthew. Memory fades, and I want to remember everything I can about my little boy.

Where do I start with this? I was planning Matthew's funeral months before he even died. Quite honestly, there were good parts and bad parts about it. No one should ever have to plan a funeral before their loved one dies, but it happens. It gave me the opportunity to plans things out and not feel rushed. I can't imagine having to plan everything within a matter of days. It's such an important event to plan out and show remembrance for our son. I know people have to do it all the time without much notice, and I don't know how they do it. You are so emotionally disraught while having to deal with funeral sales people and florists, pick out music, write an obituary, etc.

We tried how we could to make light of our situation. The first thing we picked out was the music. The same music on my Playlist is the same music we had at his funeral. I listened to it many times before he even died. Abbie would hold the speaker up to my belly so that Matthew could hear the music. I sang it to him, and it was almost like he was already gone, but he wasn't. It all just seems so out of place.

We also visited the cemetary where he would likely be buried. They drove us around to the different areas, we looked around, and found an area that we thought would be a nice resting place for our son. We wanted to think on it, so we decided not to purchase anything until after he passed away.

I wanted to find him the perfect outfit since this would be the only clothing I would ever get to buy for my baby. I found a company online called Little Things Mean A Lot. http://www.littlethingsoutlet.com/infant_childrens_burial.html
They were very kind, helpful, and had beautiful clothing at a reasonable price. We ended up going to a boutique about an hour away where they carried that line. I wanted to select a christening gown as well for him to be baptized in, so that I would have something to take home with me that he had worn.

There really was not much else we could do until afterwards, so we just waited and enjoyed our time with him.

After he was born and died, I spent three days in the hospital. I knew after coming home, I would have to finish the planning. It was horrible. Instead of being able to grieve for my child, I had to make all of these plans. The funeral home was the worst of it. And it wasn't just the experience of what we had to do, but it was the people we had to deal with. When we had visited them just a few months prior, they told us that Matthew's spot would be free, we would just need to pay for preparation and their services. Well, when we went in after his death, they said their rules had changed, and now we would have to pay full price for an adult sized spot. What!? All I could do was cry while trying to talk to the salespeople. I was so angry and felt so taken advantage of. We had to leave because the stress was just too much for me to handle. After talking it over with my husband and family, my grandmother suggested that we bury him in one of their plots, which is right across from the original place we had chosen. My Aunt Marsha had died from cancer almost 10 years ago and was moved there. So my grandparents went ahead and purchased two spaces right next to her. They had decided not long before that they would be cremated when they died, and really wouldn't need both spaces. So he had a place, with family. We are soooo grateful that my grandparents were able to help us out, and that Matthew wouldn't be alone, though we know truly he is not alone, but it was important to me to have his body in a nice place.

One thing I really struggled with was a funeral program. The ones at the funeral home were nothing special, and none of them stuck out at me as being for a child. I spent HOURS on the computer looking online for programs we could order, download, create, whatever. No such luck. I called a dear friend of mine who happnes to be a graphic designer, and she was so willing to help out. I knew what I wanted it to say, and what I wanted it to look like. She had it done within two days. Again, another person we were so grateful to have helping us out.
*If anyone knows of a website or a person who makes funeral programs for babies, I would love to have that info*

We settled the rest of the details and waited for the funeral day to come.

When the day was there, I didn't want it to be. I was antsy, and very emotionally cranky, to be nice. I wanted everything perfect. During the service, I didn't want to be there. I really couldn't wait to get out of the little chapel. I saw my baby beforehand, and he looked different. Sometimes I wished I didn't looked at him again, because for a while, that was how I remembered him. We had many people there, around 50. It felt good to have lots of people to share in mourning the loss of our son, even though most never got the chance to meet him. They knew how special he was to us.

After the chapel service, we moved outside to the graveside, following the hearse carrying Matthew's body. They had a tent setup, and everything really looked very nice. Something I can look back on and laugh, is that there were two large, white birds nearby while the Pastor was saying his final words. The birds were poking their beaks to the ground, perhaps looking for worms or bugs. Josh taps me and points to the birds, and our daughter, Abbie. Abbie was copying the birds movements. It really made light of the situation. I think most people noticed, and it was so very cute. She was walking funny, bending over and putting her nose towards the ground and pulling it back up again, with her "wings" at her side.

After everyone left, we decided to stay for part of the internment. This was all very new to us, and we didn't know if we really wanted to watch or not, but we saw them place the casket into the ground. I think I needed to see that. To know that's right where he was.

Trials and Change

Sometimes we may go through trials in our life and wonder what we did wrong to cause that situation. Was there something we did that God was punishing us for? How could anything good possibly come out of this tragedy?

On Friday, the kids and I headed up to Florida Memorial Gardens for a much needed visit with Matthew. As usual, Abbie and Raleigh fell asleep in the car, so it gave me some time to myself. I started thinking about how I got to where I am at this point in my life. Sometimes everything I have gone through seems so surreal, and at times it’s hard to believe that we had a son, and he died.

My mind drifted back to when we found out I was pregnant, and I realized that it has been almost one year. In fact, one week from today is when I believe Matthew was already being knitted by God, and his fate already determined. My marriage was on the rocks at the time, and I did not believe anything could save it.

In fact, I really didn’t want it to be saved.

In my mind, there was no “us” anymore, and never could be. I was selfish, stubborn, proud, and very obviously not following God’s words. I was not kind or loving to my husband, and I know he often wondered when he would come home if I would still be there.

When I surprised Josh with the positive pregnancy stick the day before his birthday, he was so incredibly happy. I was happy for him, because I knew he wanted to be a daddy again, but I could not be happy for myself. I felt sad for our child, that he or she would be born into this loveless marriage.

After a few weeks went by, I started to feel some excitement. I slowly started acting more like the wife I committed to be 5 years prior. By 15 weeks, Josh and I had grown much more closer together and were working on things, but had no idea that it was by God’s grace.

At the same time was when we discovered something was wrong with Matthew. I spent a lot of time reading about Matthew’s condition and saw that situations such as ours often tore families apart.

But how? Why?

It was then that I began to see through the situation, and believe that God had a plan for our family. I had no other way of explaining how an unplanned, unborn baby with a negative diagnosis could bring TOGETHER a family that had grown so far apart. It was a gift. God was sending us a gift in the form of a beautiful little baby, hence the name Matthew.

Josh was out of town for job training during the most difficult part of the pregnancy- when the diagnosis was received, and the three weeks where I underwent weekly vesicocentesis. My husband was not there when I cried my eyes out every day, not knowing whether our baby would make it even through the pregnancy. I was resentful that he couldn’t be there. I wanted to be angry at him, but under it all, I knew he would have been there if he could. God was really testing our strength at that point, and we did not break. We grew.

As our story and the life of our son go, our beautiful son was born into a mother and a father who loved him as they loved each other. Who loved God even more.

Although we will never fully understand God’s loving intentions until we are in Heaven, it is so clear to me why we were put through this trial. Our loving Father knew what it would take to open our eyes to Him and to see how truly amazing His works are. He continues to remind me of my mission that He has so obviously placed upon my heart, and I look forward to sharing that with everyone in the weeks to come.


In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:6-7

This Craaaazy Life

I haven't done a regular post in about a month, since Matthew's 2 month birthday. It definitely has something to do with being back at work full time, and loading up my calendar with anything and everything. I have to always be busy, not sure why, but I thrive on this crazy life. Working 40 hours for a government contractor, working part time selling Arbonne, starting a non-profit organization to support moms in the area who have received a fatal diagnosis (I haven't really spoken of it much, will give more details when it is set up which it is almost there), gymnastics, swimming lessons, cooking, cleaning, kids, husband and our awesome Lord! Phew. I'm tired just typing all of that! LOL! Two things I miss so dearly that I was able to do when I wasn't working: 1)Spending daily time with the Lord. It wasn't long ago when I was consistently reading atleast three chapters a night in the Bible, going through my Bible based grief studies, and having daily conversation with the Lord. I haven't picked up my Bible outside of church in weeks now, haven't moved forward in my grief studies, saying only a quick prayer at dinner time. It's not that the Lord isn't important, because He is the light of my life. But how do I make the time? If anyone has tips on how they make their time with God, please share! 2)Time with Matthew. I feel as if I am neglecting his memory. Monday was his three month birthday, and I did not go visit him. I think the last time I went there was for his 2 month birthday, if it wasn't then, it was Easter. There are so many things I want to do with his items that I feel like I will never get done. Printing out his pictures, preserving his flowers, organizing his items, etc. In spite of my recent frustrations, we have had many good times over the last few weeks that I would like to share! So enjoy the pics!
Unfortunately, many of the PreK pictures didn't come out well, but I think these are the best of them.

Here are a few pics with Abbie's ballet costume. I was really far back at the rehearsal, so the pics didn't come out well for that event either, and we weren't allowed to take pics during the show. But my dad snuck in his teeny tiny video cam, so I'll eventually get a copy and post it.

And....the Premiere Orlando Hair Show! This was my third year in a row doing it, and by far the best experience. I worked for Sam Villa, who is also connected with Redken. I did the mainstage show presentation, worked the booth for a few hours, then was in the Stylist Choice Awards presentation for Redken in the evening. I'm trying to get some video, but here are some pics for you all to see. I left at 5 AM Sunday morning to prep for the show, didn't get home unitl about midnight. Longest work day of my life for sure!

Another Angel

My friend Stephanie went into labor 2 weeks early. He was born at midnight last night and was with them for almost 4 hours. Please keep them in your prayers during this time. Baby Vayden had Posterior Urethral Valves like Matthew. You may have seen her blog from mine, http://vaydenjamesstewart.blogspot.com/

Another precious baby safe in the loving arms of Jesus.

Please Pray for this Mom

I just met Rebecca Harding online about a week ago. She is pregnant with her first child, a boy she and her husband are naming Ephraim Josiah. Ephraim has Posterior Urethral Valves like Matthew, and they are going to try and transport him to a children's hospital in Georgia after he is born. Rebecca is scheduled for her c-section this coming Monday, the 18th. Please keep them in your prayers this weekend, that Ephraim will come out with healthy lungs and kidneys!

2 Month B-Day/Death Summary

Today marks two months since Matthew was born and died. The day really was like any other has been lately, until the evening. I went to work, and decided today was the day to request Matthew's medical records. I figured it would take a week to get it together, but it was ready for me to pick up this afternoon. They told me over the phone that there were 29 pages (shocking since my Matthew only lived 3.5 hours!) and they charged me $1 per page...grrr. I wasn't very happy about that, but I wanted the records and did what I had to do.

I waited until Josh got home and we went over the first few pages together, before his short attention span kicked in. There were many surprises and new things that we learned of that day. After Josh walked away, I stopped reading for a little while. When he went into our bedroom to watch a movie with the kids, I took the papers back out and poured over them. I wanted to cry, but needed to be alone. Josh doesn't show any signs of grieving, and perhaps he is "over" it, but I am definitely not. Reading the papers, tears just started rolling down my cheeks, while I started sobbing harder than I have in a very long time. It wasn't the two month milestone...it was reading the notes that did it.

"Infant presented with initial weak cry, poor muscle tone and heart rate of 60-80. The infant was cyanotic (blue due to low oxygen). Evident was a bell-shaped thorax, prune belly, and some clubbing of the feet. "

Matthew had a wrinkled belly appearance, but I didn't think much into it until a couple of weeks after he was born. I thought all PUV babies had bellies like that, but I found that wasn't so. This report confirmed my suspicion that Matthew also suffered from Prune Belly Syndrome, also known as Eagle-Barrett Syndrome. PBS occurs in 1 in 40,000 live births. It basically consists of obstructive uropathy (PUV), undescended testes, and none or very little abdominal wall. He was a very special little boy is how I see it!

"Congenital atresia"
One of Matthew's ears was folded over which I assumed was from lack of fluid and having his ear pushed against the side of my uterus. The term above is used to describe an ear that is not fully formed, usually to include some inside parts of the ear. Matthew may not have had the ability to hear out of that ear, and would have required some type of surgery to correct the appearance.

"Infant admitted and placed on mechanical ventilation. Poor response to high conventional settings. Goal is to stabilize infant until such time as family can visit him. The parents are clear in their wish that we discontinue life support. The mother specifically does not wish that iv be placed or that surfactant be administered. I have reviewed the possible scenarios of intervention with the family, including the most aggressive measure of treating with surfactant and referral to level III NICU for high frequency/ECMO and possible dialysis. The family has remained unwavering in their desire to forego any treatment measures beyond the current stabilization and wish to discontinue support once everyone has visited with the infant."

Reading this passage made me feel so very horrible. The wording just really got to me and made me feel that I didn't want to help my baby. But I did so much! I'm really struggling with my guilt again today. I wanted him so very badly, but I loved him too much to keep him here. I want to be holding my two month old right now...nursing him and stroking his cheek....strolling him around the neighborhood...NOT sitting at my desk at work all day, staring at his picture and yearning to just hold him one more time! Oh Lord, I miss my baby so much!!! But I know if I didn't lose him, that I would not have developed such a passionate, deep relationship with Jesus Christ. Having that love for the Lord is so much more important than having my Matthew here with me, and I know that. But it doesn't mean I don't miss him constantly. I know he is in a perfect body, feeling perfect love. I know he doesn't feel pain, but yet I'm crying now as I type these words. Why is MY pain still so deep? I have never asked "why" as many times throughout my whole pregnancy and afterwards until today. Lord, even though I know my Matthew's life was planned out before he was even conceived, these feelings that I chose to let his life end are just tugging at me.

"The baby is in the NICU at this time and is actively dying."

I really despise the word "die." He's not really dead, he just has a new body. He is very much alive in Heaven with God the Father, where I really look forward to seeing him some day.

Happy 2 month bithday, my precious baby boy!

Faith

I was reading a website about faith...will get more into that in the near future...but I saw this there and had to post it!

One day a six-year-old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked the little boy:

TEACHER: "Tommy do you see the tree outside?"

TOMMY: " Yes."

TEACHER: "Tommy, do you see the grass outside? "

TOMMY: " Yes . "

TEACHER: " Go outside and look up, and see if you can see the sky."

TOMMY: " Okay." (He returned a few minutes later) " Yes, I saw the Sky. "

TEACHER: " Did you see God?"

TOMMY: "No."

TEACHER: " That's my point. We can't see God because He isn't there, he doesn't exist. "

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:

LITTLE GIRL: " Tommy, do you see the tree outside? "

TOMMY: " Yes. "

LITTLE GIRL: " Tommy, do you see the grass outside? "

TOMMY: " Yessssss (getting tired of the same questions by this time)."

LITTLE GIRL: " Did you see the sky?"

TOMMY: "Yessssss. "

LITTLE GIRL: " Do you see the teacher?"

TOMMY: " Yes."

LITTLE GIRL: " Do you see her brain? "

TOMMY: " No. "

LITTLE GIRL: " Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!"

Back to Work......

I started back to work yesterday. Am I happy to be here? Not really, just don't tell the boss. I pictured coming back to be very difficult, especially with all of the people who did not find out that Matthew died, asking how the baby is. But actually, those are the people that I am enjoying attention from. They are about the only ones who will talk to me, with the exception of a select few who came over and asked how I was doing, and expressed their condolences. I just want people to be real with me....talk to me....just tell me they are sorry. Please don't ignore me! And thank you to the engineer who came over without the slightest idea what had happened. He wanted to hear what happened, wanted to see Matthew's pictures. It was such a relief just to talk about it. I cried, and it felt so good!

So back to work....I can't focus, very antsy, and pretty much miserable. However, I did start a side job from home and am working my hardest to move up as quickly as possible. It's for Arbonne, and we sell botanically based cosmetics, anti-aging, baby care, mens products, weight loss, and more. I absolutely love it! My sponsor and awesome friend who lost her baby girl six years ago introduced me to it. The products are amazing, everyone that I have met are christians and they put God first. How awesome is that?!! I prayed about this opportunity, and God directed me through it. He is my number one, and I give Him all the glory!

That's it for now...Matthew's two month birthday is coming up on Friday, so there should be another update coming soon!

Working Through Grief

Saturday was Matthew's official due date. It was also our "Family Day" with my company, though I am not yet back to work. Every year the company pays for all permanent employees and their families or a guest to go to the selected theme park for that year. This year was Universal Studios: Islands of Adventure. Josh wasn't able to attend since he was working, but I did invite a friend and her daughter. We had such a blast, and it was a good distraction for the significance of the day. (It also enabled me to make up for the Sea World trip we didn't go on last week!)

Since Matthew died, I have found it so helpful for my healing to spread God's word and talk about what He has done in our lives recently. I had the opportunity to speak a little more in depth to my friend about how amazing my relationship with God is, on our way to Orlando. I really see His plan shaping me into a more loving, caring person everyday. My husband has also noticed, and thanks me for the changes I have made. I tell him, "Don't thank me, thank God." And he does.

When it comes to working through my grief, I don't really have a plan. I seem to be keeping myself as busy as possible with work around the house, runnihg errands, and not leaving much time for myself. I am realizing that I need to change that. I found a Bible study book called "Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy" which is for mothers who lose a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death. I contacted my church to let them know who I am (it's a huge church), tell them Matthew's story, and to see if there is a Bible study that could be started using this reference. They got back with me and said there is already a group using that book! I met with the group leader yesterday to dicuss some ideas I have and talk about the group. Unfortunately next week is the last meeting until the book is finished, but I will be attending anyways.

To throw a little more onto my already full plate (which is what I'm trying to avoid...) I made the quick decision at Abbie's ballet class last night to attend a GriefShare group at church an hour later. It was the second week of the class. I think there are 13 weeks total. When I first saw it in the church bulletin, I thought it would be a great idea. Then I started wondering if it would even help, because I figured I would be the only one who lost a baby. But I felt that God was really telling me to go, so I went. It was a good sized class, maybe 15 people. We saw a video which showed other people who had lost a loved one, and the different effects it had on them. Those in the group also shared their experiences.I was amazed at how much I had in common with those who lost their parent, spouse, uncle, etc. I was sitting there nodding my head, agreeing and relating to what these other people had gone through. I was the only one who had lost a baby, but it was okay. I understand that there is a grief process, and no matter who someone loses, those steps still have to be taken. I will definitely be taking the class every week because I know I am in need of a step-by-step program. I feel like I am subconsciously avoiding my grief by filling up my plate. Sitting in the group last night put it right in my face. My son died. He's not coming back, and it really hurts. Within 30 seconds of sitting in the chair and watching the video, tears were already coming out. That was the point that I realized that I needed that class and those people. And God knew it. He put it on my mind, and He was right. His plan works.

Psalm 139

Above is Matthew's name in the sand. How beautifully done. Here is the link- To Write Their Names in the Sand. Thank you all for such a wonderful service!

I was reading Psalm 139 today and it really tugged at my heart. I love how our Maker knows everything about us. He is with us wherever we are.
He was there during all of the doctors appointments, bladder taps, when I would curl up on the couch and cry, He was watching. God knew how he was going to use Matthew, before we even knew there was a Matthew. When my feelings of guilt ever rise up within me, I know I can always turn to this passage and feel relief. His masterpiece, our Matthew, our Gift from God, already had his life planned out. And what a meaningful, loving life it was. I love you and miss you my baby Matthew!

Psalm 139

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

Abbie's Pre K Graduation

The time is coming soon! She had her graduation pictures taken and I wanted to share the proof. I can't believe she's almost 6 years old!

Sunday

As much as I wish I had some pictures to post from Sea World, I do not. Plans fell through due to lack of sleep. We were supposed to wake up at 4 am, and leave at 5 to make it there by 6. Josh and I didn't get to bed until midnight. We decided it wouldn't be the best idea to spend a day at the park on only 4 hours of sleep. Poor Abbie would have been feeling it as well, because she didn't fall asleep until some time after 10:30! She was tossing and turning in her bed trying to fall asleep, but kept waking up thinking she heard the Easter Bunny!

We ended up going to church at 8:30 (no sunrise this year!)and eating breakfast at Dennys afterwards. We went and visited Matthew which was Abbie and Josh's first time back there (Raleigh was zonked out in the car). The cemetary was quite packed. There was even a guy camped out with his lawn chair! Not really my style, but I am pretty new to this cemetary thing. Abbie enjoyed decorating Matthew's spot and wanted it to be the prettiest one there.

So after we left Matthew, we went to a new park, right on the river. The kids got to play on the playground, and we also went down on the dock and watched the sailboats on the water. It was a beautiful day. The rest of the day we spent at home and I took a much needed nap.

I was thankful that Raleigh didn't even remember that we were supposed to go to SeaWorld. Abbie asked about it at Dennys and we told her why we didn't go. She pitched a short fit, but I knew that the Easter Bunny was a much bigger deal to her than SeaWorld. Phew.

I think the holidays will especially be difficult when thinking of Matthew. I wondered what kind of cute Easter onesie I would have put on him, and I know I would have taken a hundred pictures of his first Easter! Oh how I wish I could hold him just one more time! To run my fingers through his soft hair, hold his little fingers, kiss his tiny toes.

Pics from our Fun-Filled Easter Day!

Here are some pictures from our day today. I took the kids to an easter egg hunt this morning where they got to do crafts, visit with the Easter Bunny (Raleigh would have no part in that one!) and hold some baby chicks. Lots of excitement! I took them down to the river as well.

Then we went to another egg-stravaganza with pony rides and games. That one really wore me out, especially being out in the heat. Tomorrow's plan is to go to Sea World in Orlando for sunrise service. We will be in the Bayside Stadium by 6 Am. It's only an hour away, but we will still have to leave by 5 am. Yikes! It's hosted by a local Christian radio station, and will have band Big Daddy Weave, and guest speaker Blair from the Facts of Life. (Anyone remember her? I think it was before my time.)We are anticipating getting tickets to go to the park afterwards, but I am hoping it won't be too busy! I will be sure to post some pics after I recover from the trip!

I am really looking forward to being outside to watch God's beautiful sunrise as we praise Him for sacrificing His Son! He has done wonderful things in our lives and He loves us with such an amazing, everlasting love! We praise you and lift up your name, Lord!!!!

The Culprit!

Here's our nasty critter. We finally caught 'em, just hope there's not more!

How to Catch a Coon

Ok, so this is a bit different than my regular posts, but I must share.

For more than a month now, we have had some very unwelcomed visitors going through our trash cans. I am only assuming they are raccoons, because almost every day (with the exception of trash pick up days) I go outside to find the cans knocked over, trash bags in shreds, and food and garbage all over the place. It doesn't sound like the work of an opposum, but you never know.

So my dad gave us a trap to borrow and catch the culprit. I put it out two nights ago with a bowl of grape jelly in the back. Nothing. We have two indoor/outdoor cats and I think I may have given them a little too much credit when I decided they were too smart to go in. It's jelly; do they ever jump on the table when I'm making peanut butter and jelly? Nope. Meatloaf? Of course.

I came back yesterday afternoon when I finished running some errands. Low and behold, who is meowing up a storm? None other than Little Kitty. Yes, that is her name. Sort of. Her real name is Roxy, but she only gets called that maybe once a year. Can you guess the other cats name? You got it- Big Kitty...aka Friend. Yes, we are a creative bunch.

Anyways, I had some extra beef left over from dinner last night and decided to give the coons a treat they couldn't resist. Abbie comes in my room at 5:30 this morning and wakes me up.

Abbie: "Mommy, I heared a noise outside my window!"
Me: "Do you think we caught something?"
Abbie: "Yeah, let's go out and look!"

Out we go into the cold, trying to determine what is in the trap. One of the trash cans is knocked over, that's a good sign. It's too dark to see what is in the trap, because the light from the front porch won't reach that far. Still about 15 feet away, we start inching forward. Not because I am afraid of what's in the cage- I know it can't hurt me when I'm out here- but because I'm afraid of the dark. (Yes, it's true. Yes, I'm a little ashamed. I keep our bathroom light on with the door cracked so there is light in the bedroom. Maybe I just need a night light.)

We hear some sort of rustling noise, but not from the cage. It's coming from the other side of my car, which we are standing right in front of. Suddenly, something comes out running like lightning from the other side of my car with a heavy panting sound. And it was big. I tell Abbie. "RUN!!!" We dash inside, our hearts pounding heavily.

I had absolutely no idea what it was, but it scared the socks off me. All I saw was the outline of the creature. When I think panting, I think dog. But it seemed heavier than a dog's panting, and only one time in the last 3 years living in our house have I seen a dog running losing near our house. It will probably remain a mystery, because I hope to never go outside, without my hubby, in the wee morning hours again. As far as the creature in the cage, it was Big Kitty. He was left in there until it was nice and sunny, about 7 AM. I'm sure he enjoyed that beef though!

We will try again tonight, with BOTH cats inside. If Abbie wakes me again, she will just have to wait! I will welcome any coon catching experts comments out there!

Milestones

Milestone- a significant event or stage in the life, progress, development, or the like of a person, nation, etc.

Abbie will be graduating from PreK next month and will also be performing in her first dance recital.
Raleigh will be entering PreK in August and we will begin to look into sports options, most likely T-ball.

The host of the radio station I listen to was talking the other day about how her brother's birthday was the next day. She had neglected to send him a card, and, knowing she couldn't get one across the country in one day, was asking the listeners for ideas on what to send him. She said it would have been easier had it been her sister's birthday because she could have ordered flowers and had them there on time. Being for her brother, it was a different case.

Her situation struck a pain in my heart. It made me sad. It's one of those moments where I'm doing something completely normal, then a new thought about Matthew comes into mind. This thought was that Abbie and Raleigh would never have their Matthew to send birthday cards to. To watch at his graduation or cheer for at his baseball games.

Because I was the one who carried Matthew for 34 weeks and dealt with more physical and emotional pain, I was very focused on my own healing and the present time. I didn't yet understand what his loss meant to others, even my own family, through now and into the future. I had barely scratched the surface of the pain and wonders that Abbie, Raleigh and Josh would endure.

It makes me think back to what goes through their little minds when mommy and daddy say there will be a new baby in the family. Do they dream of singing him a lullaby, rocking him to sleep, pushing him in the stroller, or just looking at him in amazement with his tiny toes and fingers?

Were their dreams crushed when we told them Matthew would not be coming home with us from the hospital after he is born? Or did new ones begin with thoughts of their own special angel watching them from above?

Today marks one month since Matthew was born and died. Another milestone, and today I am okay. A friend came over and visited with me, and for that I am thankful.
I also went to the Old Time Pottery store this morning looking for an area rug. Instead I found statue of a little boy kneeling in prayer in a garden. Next to him is a scroll with wings at the top of it. The scroll says "Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:4" How perfect. I feel good that I have something to bring to his empty grave.

One last note- we made the Resurection eggs a few days ago that were recommended. The kids had the greatest time scavenging for the items to fill the eggs with, and putting the items and scripture inside. We sat down to go over the story, and Raleigh lost interest after egg #2. Abbie, however, was very into it. She listened intently and loved opening her eggs and giving me the scripture. Sometimes I'll ask them to tell me the story of Easter, and they do really well explaining it. Even Raleigh understands the basics of the story which is wonderful.

My Love for God

I have been studying the Bible and spending a lot of time speaking to the Lord since being home after Matthew. I can't even express in words the depth of how much my relationship with God has changed. Just amazing. In turn, our home life has improved and become more structured and loving and focused on God! I was missing out on so much!

Are you growing in your love for God? I want to share a bit on our love for God that I have read about. After reading this, it was very pleasing to know that I could honestly say "yes" to every point. My personal thoughts and experiences are included. I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I did learning about it.

John 21:15-17

After breakfast Jesus asked Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you love me more than these others do?"
"Yes, Lord," Peter said,"you know I love you."
"Then feed my lambs," Jesus told him.
Jesus repeated the question: "Simon son of John, do you love me?"
"Yes, Lord, " Peter said, "You know I love you."
"Then take care of my sheep,"Jesus said.
A third time he asked him, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?"
Peter was hurt that Jesus asked the question a third time. He said, "Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Then feed my sheep."

Peter knew that he had let Jesus down when he denied him three times before the Crucifixion. But Peter also knew that Jesus had forgiven him. Jesus tested Peter by asking him "Do you love me?" three times.
In the original language of this text, Peter's response to Jesus' questions has great significance. When Jesus posed the questions, he had basically asked, "Peter, do you love me with a sacrificial, committed love?" But Peter responded with a different word for love. Peter essentially said, "Lord, I like you. I love you as a friend."
Atleast Peter was honest. He told Jesus the truth about his committment. Interestingly enough, Jesus still enlisted Peter in his service, to care for his sheep. Jesus wanted Peter to affirm his devotion before giving him direction for ministry. As this story implies, we must love God before we can serve him faithfully.

Here are five ways to tell if you really love God:

1. You will long for personal Communion with Him.
"As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God." Psalm 42:1
When you really love God, you will delight in praise and worshipping him because your heart will overflow with love for God. This love will cause you to look forward to spending time with Him and his people.

I usually spend atleast an hour a day in reading. Josh and I just started two different studies. One focuses on couples, and the other focuses on raising your children to love God. So good so far! After the kids go to sleep in their beds (yay, finally!) we have that time to ourselves to communicate and do devotionals.

2. You will love the things He loves.
We know what God loves by what He has declared in the Bible. So if you love God, you will love His Word!

And I do! I remember not long ago when reading the Bible would have been more like a chore. I saved it for church only. Now I have to have my daily dose, and often have a hard time puttng it down. Like one of those great novels I used to read and finish in five days. I just don't want to put it down! Now that I understand God's love better, it has more meaning.

3. You will hate what He hates.
As the Lord's nature becomes your nature, his likes and dislikes will become your likes and dislikes. His outlook becomes your outlook. We know from his Word that he hates sin. If we love him, then we should also hate sin.

So true. My personal example. I have always been the type of person that takes a while to forgive someone. I can stay mad and you may never know why (my poor hubby). I have learned how important is to forgive, just as Jesus told God to forgive those who crucified him.

4. You will long for His return.
Jesus described himself as a bridegroom(Mark 2:19). His bride is the church- the body of believers (Ephesians 5:23-29). When Jesus returns, he will be united with his bride. Therefore, if you love the Lord, you will long for his return as a bride longs for her bridegroom.

I know I am going to Heaven! I suppose if I didn't know, I may not look forward to His return so much. Heaven will be more than we can imagine and I look forward to what that amazing life will be like!

5. You will keep His commandments.
Jesus says, "If you love me, obey my commandments" (John 14:15) Though it is impossible for any of us who loves God to go on an endless course of sin, we will still occassionally fall into individual sins. But if we love God, we will repent of those sins and seek his forgiveness, and his lifestyle will conform to the truths we find in His Word.

Giving our son, Matthew, life when the doctors pushed us to take it away! The Lord created our son for a reason, and we wanted obey His plan. We would have had it no other way.