Matthew's Pictures

May 23, 2009

Another Angel

My friend Stephanie went into labor 2 weeks early. He was born at midnight last night and was with them for almost 4 hours. Please keep them in your prayers during this time. Baby Vayden had Posterior Urethral Valves like Matthew. You may have seen her blog from mine,

Another precious baby safe in the loving arms of Jesus.

May 15, 2009

Please Pray for this Mom

I just met Rebecca Harding online about a week ago. She is pregnant with her first child, a boy she and her husband are naming Ephraim Josiah. Ephraim has Posterior Urethral Valves like Matthew, and they are going to try and transport him to a children's hospital in Georgia after he is born. Rebecca is scheduled for her c-section this coming Monday, the 18th. Please keep them in your prayers this weekend, that Ephraim will come out with healthy lungs and kidneys!

May 8, 2009

2 Month B-Day/Death Summary

Today marks two months since Matthew was born and died. The day really was like any other has been lately, until the evening. I went to work, and decided today was the day to request Matthew's medical records. I figured it would take a week to get it together, but it was ready for me to pick up this afternoon. They told me over the phone that there were 29 pages (shocking since my Matthew only lived 3.5 hours!) and they charged me $1 per page...grrr. I wasn't very happy about that, but I wanted the records and did what I had to do.

I waited until Josh got home and we went over the first few pages together, before his short attention span kicked in. There were many surprises and new things that we learned of that day. After Josh walked away, I stopped reading for a little while. When he went into our bedroom to watch a movie with the kids, I took the papers back out and poured over them. I wanted to cry, but needed to be alone. Josh doesn't show any signs of grieving, and perhaps he is "over" it, but I am definitely not. Reading the papers, tears just started rolling down my cheeks, while I started sobbing harder than I have in a very long time. It wasn't the two month was reading the notes that did it.

"Infant presented with initial weak cry, poor muscle tone and heart rate of 60-80. The infant was cyanotic (blue due to low oxygen). Evident was a bell-shaped thorax, prune belly, and some clubbing of the feet. "

Matthew had a wrinkled belly appearance, but I didn't think much into it until a couple of weeks after he was born. I thought all PUV babies had bellies like that, but I found that wasn't so. This report confirmed my suspicion that Matthew also suffered from Prune Belly Syndrome, also known as Eagle-Barrett Syndrome. PBS occurs in 1 in 40,000 live births. It basically consists of obstructive uropathy (PUV), undescended testes, and none or very little abdominal wall. He was a very special little boy is how I see it!

"Congenital atresia"
One of Matthew's ears was folded over which I assumed was from lack of fluid and having his ear pushed against the side of my uterus. The term above is used to describe an ear that is not fully formed, usually to include some inside parts of the ear. Matthew may not have had the ability to hear out of that ear, and would have required some type of surgery to correct the appearance.

"Infant admitted and placed on mechanical ventilation. Poor response to high conventional settings. Goal is to stabilize infant until such time as family can visit him. The parents are clear in their wish that we discontinue life support. The mother specifically does not wish that iv be placed or that surfactant be administered. I have reviewed the possible scenarios of intervention with the family, including the most aggressive measure of treating with surfactant and referral to level III NICU for high frequency/ECMO and possible dialysis. The family has remained unwavering in their desire to forego any treatment measures beyond the current stabilization and wish to discontinue support once everyone has visited with the infant."

Reading this passage made me feel so very horrible. The wording just really got to me and made me feel that I didn't want to help my baby. But I did so much! I'm really struggling with my guilt again today. I wanted him so very badly, but I loved him too much to keep him here. I want to be holding my two month old right now...nursing him and stroking his cheek....strolling him around the neighborhood...NOT sitting at my desk at work all day, staring at his picture and yearning to just hold him one more time! Oh Lord, I miss my baby so much!!! But I know if I didn't lose him, that I would not have developed such a passionate, deep relationship with Jesus Christ. Having that love for the Lord is so much more important than having my Matthew here with me, and I know that. But it doesn't mean I don't miss him constantly. I know he is in a perfect body, feeling perfect love. I know he doesn't feel pain, but yet I'm crying now as I type these words. Why is MY pain still so deep? I have never asked "why" as many times throughout my whole pregnancy and afterwards until today. Lord, even though I know my Matthew's life was planned out before he was even conceived, these feelings that I chose to let his life end are just tugging at me.

"The baby is in the NICU at this time and is actively dying."

I really despise the word "die." He's not really dead, he just has a new body. He is very much alive in Heaven with God the Father, where I really look forward to seeing him some day.

Happy 2 month bithday, my precious baby boy!

May 7, 2009


I was reading a website about faith...will get more into that in the near future...but I saw this there and had to post it!

One day a six-year-old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked the little boy:

TEACHER: "Tommy do you see the tree outside?"

TOMMY: " Yes."

TEACHER: "Tommy, do you see the grass outside? "

TOMMY: " Yes . "

TEACHER: " Go outside and look up, and see if you can see the sky."

TOMMY: " Okay." (He returned a few minutes later) " Yes, I saw the Sky. "

TEACHER: " Did you see God?"

TOMMY: "No."

TEACHER: " That's my point. We can't see God because He isn't there, he doesn't exist. "

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:

LITTLE GIRL: " Tommy, do you see the tree outside? "

TOMMY: " Yes. "

LITTLE GIRL: " Tommy, do you see the grass outside? "

TOMMY: " Yessssss (getting tired of the same questions by this time)."

LITTLE GIRL: " Did you see the sky?"

TOMMY: "Yessssss. "

LITTLE GIRL: " Do you see the teacher?"

TOMMY: " Yes."

LITTLE GIRL: " Do you see her brain? "

TOMMY: " No. "

LITTLE GIRL: " Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!"

May 5, 2009

Back to Work......

I started back to work yesterday. Am I happy to be here? Not really, just don't tell the boss. I pictured coming back to be very difficult, especially with all of the people who did not find out that Matthew died, asking how the baby is. But actually, those are the people that I am enjoying attention from. They are about the only ones who will talk to me, with the exception of a select few who came over and asked how I was doing, and expressed their condolences. I just want people to be real with to me....just tell me they are sorry. Please don't ignore me! And thank you to the engineer who came over without the slightest idea what had happened. He wanted to hear what happened, wanted to see Matthew's pictures. It was such a relief just to talk about it. I cried, and it felt so good!

So back to work....I can't focus, very antsy, and pretty much miserable. However, I did start a side job from home and am working my hardest to move up as quickly as possible. It's for Arbonne, and we sell botanically based cosmetics, anti-aging, baby care, mens products, weight loss, and more. I absolutely love it! My sponsor and awesome friend who lost her baby girl six years ago introduced me to it. The products are amazing, everyone that I have met are christians and they put God first. How awesome is that?!! I prayed about this opportunity, and God directed me through it. He is my number one, and I give Him all the glory!

That's it for now...Matthew's two month birthday is coming up on Friday, so there should be another update coming soon!