Matthew's Pictures

August 22, 2009

Pregnancy after a Loss

First off, let me say that I am not pregnant. But, another baby has been on our minds, a lot. Josh and I have been talking about when the best timing would be for our family financially, but emotionally I have no idea when I will be ready or if our timing will be right. It is definitely something we will have to pray on to make sure we make good decisions and to let the Lord guide us, but we do have a certain month in mind right now.

I have been having these strong urges that I just want a baby now, and it's really hard just to try and clear them away, because they don't seem to be going anywhere! I don't know if this is a step in the grieving process where my body and mind are saying that they are missing a baby, or if it's the real deal and the time may be coming again.

Abbie and Raleigh have also been talking about another baby. Raleigh just turned four yesterday, and he was expressing to me last week that it wasn't fair that our baby is in Heaven, but his friend's baby (sister or brother) is here on earth. I have a hard time dealing with that, because it is so hard for them to understand at that age, especially since I don't completely understand.

It has been five months that have gone by too quickly. No one could ever replace Matthew, and I will never forget him. I look forward to advice from anyone who has had a baby (or currently pregnant) after a loss.

August 1, 2009

The Urge to Splurge

Raleigh has a pair of cowboy boots. My dad was over last week, and asked me why I got him cowboy boots. I replied simply that Raleigh REALLY wanted some. And he did. Well...ok, I did too, but only because he insisted on wearing his sister's girly boots everywhere at the time.

There is more behind that story, and I was thinking about it again today. When I was 18 weeks along with Matthew, I received the call from the fetal surgeon's office that they had decided not to do in-utero surgery to give him a shunt which would possibly relieve his obstruction. My husband as you may know, was three hours away at a month-long training class during this devastating time. So after I got off the phone with the surgeon's office, I spent the next hour crying on the couch. I had to force myself to get up, makeup running down my face, to pick up the kids from daycare before they closed.

And now what? It was just me, the kids, and my baby that I just wanted to pretend wasn't even there anymore. So I figured the only way to get through this would be to pretend I wasn't even pregnant. Perfect, right? Yeah, I don't think so. We pulled up to Wal-Mart and my hubby calls. I told him I wasn't pregnant anymore. then he asked me if the baby's name was going to be Matthew. "What baby? I am NOT pregnant!" I gave in and spoke few words, very reluctantly. Apparently I had told his mom that the baby was going to be named Matthew, but neglected to tell my husband, who found out through his mom. Oooops. Sorry hun. Atleast that's what he says, but I think he just tuned me out when I informed him.

Next stop...the shoe store. This is a big coping tool of mine, and probably every other woman out there as well. The kids and I all picked out a pair of shoes, including a pair of boots three sizes too big for Raleigh, and I threw in a new purse as well. Did we really have the money for all that? Nope. Did I care? Nope. I realized today that purse is the same one I am still carrying, which is why I wanted to post on it, because it's significant to me. Little did I realize that I carry with me everywhere, this purse that made me feel surprisingly better after learning that my son would likely die after he would be born. Now, this definitely wasn't the answer to my problems, and I will admit that I don't believe I turned to Christ that night for comfort. I was looking for the quickest way out to make me feel better, and it was a temporary fix. Maybe for an hour.

I would love to hear how anyone else coped with finding about about their baby's diagnosis if anyone wants to share. Have a blessed weekend!