Matthew's Pictures

August 1, 2009

The Urge to Splurge

Raleigh has a pair of cowboy boots. My dad was over last week, and asked me why I got him cowboy boots. I replied simply that Raleigh REALLY wanted some. And he did. Well...ok, I did too, but only because he insisted on wearing his sister's girly boots everywhere at the time.

There is more behind that story, and I was thinking about it again today. When I was 18 weeks along with Matthew, I received the call from the fetal surgeon's office that they had decided not to do in-utero surgery to give him a shunt which would possibly relieve his obstruction. My husband as you may know, was three hours away at a month-long training class during this devastating time. So after I got off the phone with the surgeon's office, I spent the next hour crying on the couch. I had to force myself to get up, makeup running down my face, to pick up the kids from daycare before they closed.

And now what? It was just me, the kids, and my baby that I just wanted to pretend wasn't even there anymore. So I figured the only way to get through this would be to pretend I wasn't even pregnant. Perfect, right? Yeah, I don't think so. We pulled up to Wal-Mart and my hubby calls. I told him I wasn't pregnant anymore. then he asked me if the baby's name was going to be Matthew. "What baby? I am NOT pregnant!" I gave in and spoke few words, very reluctantly. Apparently I had told his mom that the baby was going to be named Matthew, but neglected to tell my husband, who found out through his mom. Oooops. Sorry hun. Atleast that's what he says, but I think he just tuned me out when I informed him.

Next stop...the shoe store. This is a big coping tool of mine, and probably every other woman out there as well. The kids and I all picked out a pair of shoes, including a pair of boots three sizes too big for Raleigh, and I threw in a new purse as well. Did we really have the money for all that? Nope. Did I care? Nope. I realized today that purse is the same one I am still carrying, which is why I wanted to post on it, because it's significant to me. Little did I realize that I carry with me everywhere, this purse that made me feel surprisingly better after learning that my son would likely die after he would be born. Now, this definitely wasn't the answer to my problems, and I will admit that I don't believe I turned to Christ that night for comfort. I was looking for the quickest way out to make me feel better, and it was a temporary fix. Maybe for an hour.

I would love to hear how anyone else coped with finding about about their baby's diagnosis if anyone wants to share. Have a blessed weekend!


Anonymous said...

Hey Jenn,

When I learned about Faith possibly having polycystic kidneys, I came home and cried, just like you. I cried almost that entire night. However, the next day I was determined to find as much scripture as possible to bring comfort to me. So I spent the next day and several hours of many days to come pouring over the Bible. And no, I'm not a goody-two-shoes! I just learned from past heartache that I can only find REAL comfort from God. I do enjoy your story, though! I love how you are so openly honest. You are an amazing person and God is using you to teach others about Him! Thanks for your post, Jera

Santino's family said...

I was picking up my son from school when I rec'vd my call. I held in my tears until I got to my friends house. When I saw my husband later that day I really cried. We got on the internet and did a ton of research. But what helped me at that time was reading your blog and the blog "Miracle of Sebastian". You both inspired me to remain faithful. So thank you!

Lea said...

HI Jenn,

Just came across your blog. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Matthew. What a beautiful baby... your pictures are very special.

Strength to you.

Lea said...

Hey There,

Just wanted to let you know that I made a pair of Angel Wings for Matthew. They are posted on the Angel Wings Memorial Boutique on my blog. Hope you like them.


Kelly said...


I tried to post on your blog when you first wrote on this subject of "spluring" - unfortunetly it never went through!!

I really wanted to stop by and see how you have been doing. Thank you for your sweet comment on my page - I love listening to the music on your page as well - in fact, two night ago I pulled up your page, looked at pictures of sweet Matthew and my Liberty and just sobbed. I have been experiencing a new level of grief lately..which words cannot even begin to describe. I believe its the mix of pregnancy hormones and the fact that October is coming up again. She passed away on Oct. 27th, the day before my birthday - so fall brings on sooo many mixed emotions for me now. I can't believe it will be 2 years already...ugh. I am praying you are feeling peace and comfort from God..I am desperately seeking these things at this time. I think of you and your family often. Please keep in touch.

God bless,

Kelly said...

Hey Jen,
We got the PUV diagnosis the morning of November 20 and later that day, we had an appointment to have our chimney cleaned. We should have cancelled the appointment but my world was spinning and I wasn't thinking clearly. Anyway, we had the appt. and were told that our chimney needed $2000 in repairs. Then, I went to pick up chinese food for dinner and the restaurant totally bungled our order. The guy behind the counter told me he was having such a bad day and I remember thinking, "Buddy, you have no idea how bad a day can be."

Throughout my pregnancy, I often engaged in retail therapy. Buying something that I knew Evan would like always made me feel better about Jonah's situation.