Matthew's Pictures

June 15, 2009

Trials and Change

Sometimes we may go through trials in our life and wonder what we did wrong to cause that situation. Was there something we did that God was punishing us for? How could anything good possibly come out of this tragedy?

On Friday, the kids and I headed up to Florida Memorial Gardens for a much needed visit with Matthew. As usual, Abbie and Raleigh fell asleep in the car, so it gave me some time to myself. I started thinking about how I got to where I am at this point in my life. Sometimes everything I have gone through seems so surreal, and at times it’s hard to believe that we had a son, and he died.

My mind drifted back to when we found out I was pregnant, and I realized that it has been almost one year. In fact, one week from today is when I believe Matthew was already being knitted by God, and his fate already determined. My marriage was on the rocks at the time, and I did not believe anything could save it.

In fact, I really didn’t want it to be saved.

In my mind, there was no “us” anymore, and never could be. I was selfish, stubborn, proud, and very obviously not following God’s words. I was not kind or loving to my husband, and I know he often wondered when he would come home if I would still be there.

When I surprised Josh with the positive pregnancy stick the day before his birthday, he was so incredibly happy. I was happy for him, because I knew he wanted to be a daddy again, but I could not be happy for myself. I felt sad for our child, that he or she would be born into this loveless marriage.

After a few weeks went by, I started to feel some excitement. I slowly started acting more like the wife I committed to be 5 years prior. By 15 weeks, Josh and I had grown much more closer together and were working on things, but had no idea that it was by God’s grace.

At the same time was when we discovered something was wrong with Matthew. I spent a lot of time reading about Matthew’s condition and saw that situations such as ours often tore families apart.

But how? Why?

It was then that I began to see through the situation, and believe that God had a plan for our family. I had no other way of explaining how an unplanned, unborn baby with a negative diagnosis could bring TOGETHER a family that had grown so far apart. It was a gift. God was sending us a gift in the form of a beautiful little baby, hence the name Matthew.

Josh was out of town for job training during the most difficult part of the pregnancy- when the diagnosis was received, and the three weeks where I underwent weekly vesicocentesis. My husband was not there when I cried my eyes out every day, not knowing whether our baby would make it even through the pregnancy. I was resentful that he couldn’t be there. I wanted to be angry at him, but under it all, I knew he would have been there if he could. God was really testing our strength at that point, and we did not break. We grew.

As our story and the life of our son go, our beautiful son was born into a mother and a father who loved him as they loved each other. Who loved God even more.

Although we will never fully understand God’s loving intentions until we are in Heaven, it is so clear to me why we were put through this trial. Our loving Father knew what it would take to open our eyes to Him and to see how truly amazing His works are. He continues to remind me of my mission that He has so obviously placed upon my heart, and I look forward to sharing that with everyone in the weeks to come.

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:6-7


Stephanie said...

Jenn this is why I've always loved talking to you, you are so open and honest. What you said is so true, God is in control. When I was carrying Vayden I didn't want anyone to tell me "it's all in Gods plan" but now that I've walked through the fire the journey and the loss, It was true, there were also un tied shoe strings in my life, Vayden came we were given the option to tie those strings or risk tripping over them.
You are an amazing women, I am so happy to have met you and have if nothing else one thing in common.

Leslie said...

I think my son was sent to us to prove how strong we are. I know that we are having problems still, but in the end, this made me realize that there was no one else I wanted to go through this with but him. It's amazing.

I am sorry I haven't gotten back to you. I've had a bad couple of weeks. I am going to put your number in my new cell phone & strive to call you again. I might check out that support group you were talking about. Even if you just meet you & talk to you face to face. Since losing Dexter, I am not good with being around people. I try, but I feel uncomfortable. I guess it's some weird grieving thing. If you have a Facebook, I'd like to add you there too. My username is "workofheart". Thinking of you. Oh, & I also linked to your website from mine. I finally got it finished.

~ Leslie

Anonymous said...

You truly are amazing! Thank you for opening up like this and giving God the glory during such a difficult time. You spoke to me in a big way! I will continue to pray for you as you heal. In the meantime I am praising God for the incredible transformation He has done in your life and in your marriage! God bless you!

Jera Krager

Laura said...

So thankful for your honest heart...He is continuing to carry you and so longs to walk with you each step. I am so proud of you.

Sending you love!

Donielle said...

Wow Jenn, what a powerful testimony! You are so amazingly strong and faithful and I really look up to you for that. I'm so glad you are able to see God's plan through these tough times. Thanks for sharing!

Chelsea said...

Wow, your story is a powerful testament of God's mysterious and perfect ways. He saved your hurt marriage with the tragedy of a baby who wouldn't live.

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Beautiful...God's grace just shines through this post. Beautiful testimony of His healing in your marriage and in your heart. And...I love the scripture, too! Thanks for this!