Matthew's Pictures

March 29, 2010

Down in the Dumps

I really had no idea what to name my post today, other than naming it Down in the Dumps, which is exactly how I felt today.

A few weeks ago, Josh and I decided it was time to start trying for another baby. In the past I have gotten pregnant very easily, and after four pregnancy tests this time, I was disappointed that I wasn't yet. Though I had given it very little time, I expected it to happen right away because of my past experience.

Last Friday (not the one we just had, but the one before that) I had a bad dizzy spill and felt nauseas. I had been having dizzy spells for about a week, in addition to being very tired and forgetful. I decided to make a doctors appointment where I was told to get some bloodwork and a brain MRI. Almost everything came back normal last week, except for my thryoid which was three times higher than normal, and a low white blood count. After doing some research, I found out that a high thyroid test means an underactive thyroid which would explain my sluggishness. The nurse couldn't tell me last week what the course of action was until the doctor signed off on it.

In the meantime, I started doing a little research and found out that some studies were done back in 2001, and it was found that pregnant women with untreated throid problems have an 18% chance of having a baby with birth defects. I couldn't believe it. I cried. I was very upset. I felt like this could have somehow been if I had known, I would have Matthew here right now. But then I prayed. And the more I prayed, the harder I cried. I know that things are the way they are because they were God's intentions and part of His ultimate plan. But it still hurts, and makes me wonder. I'm only human and can't help but think "what if?"

Fast forward to late this afternoon. The nurse calls me because the doctor signed off on everything. I have to go on some medication for the thyroid, get an u/s on it, and follow up with a endocrinologist. She looked back in my records and discovered that I had thryoid testing back in June of 2004, just 5 months before I got pregnant with my four year old son, Raleigh. And my thyroid levels were even higher then than they are now. I was never told about it or was basically forgotten. So now I'm angry and upset. I have no idea what to think, but I do know I am grateful for not beng pregnant right now. I know that His plan continues, and for whatever reason, this is all a part of it.

But to put a happy ending to a bad day, when I got home this evening, I found a package for me at the front door. Laura from String of Pearls sent me a beautiful necklace and charm that have Matthew's picture in them.

Laura, you are a truly wonderful woman, thank you for all that you have done and for getting it here on what was such a bad day for me!


My Very Own Angel said...

Oh how we are so much alike. Me and Van are also finally ready to start trying and as much as i told myself that i wouldnt' be crazy about this and just let it happen when it's supposed to happen I can't help but always think about being pregnant with a healthy baby. I also know how you feel with the dr thing. I recently had a kidney scare and as much as i knew that my issues had nothing to do with vayden i couldn't help but break down in the dr.'s office just becuz his issue had to do with kidneys. Laura is such a sweetheart. please post pics of the necklace.

love ya


Kelly said...


Your post brought tears to my eyes. For some reason the past few days have been so hard on me - lots of crying along with lots of praying. I still haven't accepted the fact that I am GOING to feel sad...I seem to have my mind made up that I should be happy all the time since its been 2 1/2 years.. but of course, thats not the case.

I can't believe the issues with your thyroid!! It is SO hard not to question the 'what ifs' in situations like this - I do the exact same thing...which, in the end isn't fair for us to do because you and I both know that we did the best we could do at the time with our babies. And you are right - for whatever reason, it was all in Gods plan. I pray that the medicine helps you to feel better and praise God it was caught this time around. We will be praying for you as you wait for your two pink lines ;0)

Please feel free to email me if you ever need to chat, cry or vent!!

Love and hugs,

Kelly said...

Hi Jenn,

I just wanted to stop by and say HI. I the song "one more day" this morning and thought of your blog. I love that song bittersweet as it might be. I need to do a re-vamp of my blog at some point in time, when I do I plan on adding that song.

Anyway. I hope you and your precious family are doing well. We think of and pray for you often my friend..

Lots of hugs.


Anonymous said...

I want to cheer you on for having more strength in your lifetime than anyone I know. I have been following your blog awhile now often not knowing what to say. I do want to say I agree it could be time to bless your family with another miracle, keep the faith and keep blogging sweetie.

Many hugs, Debb

Daron and Christina said...

I know you probably don't mind at all, but it seems strange for me to comment on a stranger's blog...but then, maybe those of us who have gone through losing a baby aren't really strangers. I came across your blog when I was looking for information about PUVs in babies; my little Jarom--our first--was diagnosed at 20 weeks--and then born at 31 weeks. He was a beautiful baby boy, and even though I never got to hear him cry or look in his eyes, I love him more than I can say. It has been nearly 7 months, and although I'm probably doing better than I realize, I don't always feel like I'm handling things. I suppose that will never really go away completely. I just want to thank you for everything you've written and for the links. Your blog was probably the most helpful when I was trying to learn all I could, and I love your beautiful faith in God. It's hard accepting His will, but I know that what happened was best for our son--if it had been my choice, maybe he would have had to endure too much pain and suffering. I love you, even though I don't know you, and I know your beautiful family can be together again someday. Thank you so much.

Anonymous said...

I came across this and thought it might be something you would like to read:

It is similar to your story about Matthew, and from a father's perspective.

Cass said...

old but true..everything happens for a reason. hugs

Kelly said...

Hello again Jenn,

I just wanted to stop by and see how you have been doing. I haven't heard from you in quite a while..although I haven't been blogging lately either. How are your precious kiddos doing? And your husband?

I hope you are doing well my friend - I think of you often.

God bless,


Melisa said...

I have not seen any posts, just checking in hoping all is ok. Keeping you and the Family in my thought and prayers.

Lindsay said...

I am so sorry for the loss of Matthew. Your faith in God is amazing and inspiring. I gave birth January 7 of this year with a son with PUV. My jaw hit the floor when I read that your thyroid was out of whack. My thyroid was not functioning correctly during my pregnancy with my son. No treatment for my thyroid was done because when they checked it again several months later it was normal. I can't help but think that it may have caused his condition. I can't get over that connection. I hope you and your family are doing well. Matthew is a beautiful baby and I know you are so proud of him. Prayers for you and yours.

alberjo gustavo said...

cute kids.