Matthew's Pictures

March 8, 2010

One Year

Today marks one year since Matthew was born and died. I took the day off from work, knowing that I would be emotional and unable to focus on much except for him today. This is my first post in about six months, and I wish I had been able to post more frequently. But due to time constraints with work, school, kids and everything in between, it didn't work out that way.

As far as plans for today, I am currently working on a non-profit organization for the central Florida area that will provide support for families who are carrying their pregnancy to term, and thought that today would be a good to devote my time to working on the brochure, website, and fundraising ideas. The idea started when I was still pregnant, so things are going slower than I had anticipated, but we will get there. The future website is and I hope to have it up and running this week...but that is just a hope!

We are going to have a small party for Matthew with myself, Josh and the kids this evening. I saw this pretty flag at the Hallmark store for the graveside, so I'm going to pick that up this afternoon for when we go to visit him later today. We have not ordered a marker for him yet due to the cost, so having something there will make me feel a bit better about that. I also have to pick up a cake so we can sing "Happy Birthday" to Matthew and celebrate his life in Heaven.

So now for me emotionally. Today really brings me back to one year ago. I've been thinking about all of the memories of March 8th one year ago and start spilling with tears. On most days, I do very well with my recovery. I think that is mostly because of my busy schedule which doesn't allow any "me" time, and I often feel guilty about not taking enough "Matthew" time.

I have gone on with life in one sense, but in another, I never want his memories to fade. I worry about forgetting everything about him...what time he was born, how big he was, my due date, etc. If I didn't have him, I would be a different person today and I never want to forget that. One issue I do have and am unsure how to react to it, is how people seem to have forgotton about him. I could go on and on about him, but sometimes I get the feeling when talking to people- even family- conversations about Matthew are not welcomed. I want to be able to speak of him, because he is still my son. Why is it that because he is gone, I am expected to stop talking about him? I am thankful that I have this blog and have met so many people who understand me, and who have been there before. Because it can hurt. Alot. Any feedback on this would be greatly appreciated!

I'm so thankful to God for everything He has given us, and especially for Matthew. I wouldn't be where I am in my life right now if it wasn't for the love that He has shown, and the opportunities He has provided us with.

I will try to update the blog when "Cherishing the Journey" progresses a bit further, and would love for everyone to check it out.


Anonymous said...

Matthew was a beautiful baby. Hope you can find some comfort today.


Laura said...

Thinking of you today...praying your day was sweet and your heart felt comforted. I know it still hurts so are a brave mama.

Asking God to comfort your heart with each breath you take. Matthew will never be forgotten.


Anonymous said...

Jenn, I love you and anytime you want to talk about Matthew I will more than welcome the conversation. He touched all of our lives in a very real way. I never knew how much I could love someone I never even got the chance to know until him! I was just thinking about him two days ago and didn't have the link for your site anymore, but wanted to just sit here and listen to the music while looking at his pics. Something about his life, ever so short lived, makes me cry and feel grateful all at the same time. Even though so tiny he did things for our family that needed to be done. We are all closer now thanks to him and now he can be in heaven with our dear Aunt Marsha and of course grandpa! I can't believe how much we have lost and gained this year. I love you and let me know if you ever need anything, even someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on!!!!

Kelly said...

Hi Jenn,

Sorry I am late posting - we are having computer issues...

I wanted to stop by and say "Happy Birthday and Happy Angel Day" to sweet Matthew.

I sat and watched the pictures, listened to the sweet songs playing and then read your post...

Then I cried. My heart literally aches for you and your family as I can totally relate to everything you blog about. I 'get it' 100% because I feel so many of the same things you feel right now. I struggle deeply with people not mentioning our little Liberty anymore. I feel as though everyone has moved on - without her.. and without me...and that hurts. :0( I wanted you to know that I think of you guys and your little Matthew SO often - even though we have never met in person, my heart goes out to you.. especially as Matthews mommy.

I am sorry to hear that you haven't had the finances to get a marker made for Matthew yet - though I can understand. We ended up selling my wedding ring so we could buy her headstone. It's been almost a year since we moved from KC to TX and now it is sitting in our garage because we can't afford a plot at the cemetery! It never ends and yet, on the other hand I don't want it to 'end' because it will be yet another final chapter on this you know what I mean? Anyway - sorry to get into all of this on here...I simply want you to know that you are not alone, your little Matthew is NOT forgotten, and prayers are floating up to Heaven tonight for all of you. God bless you all!!

Hugs sweetie - feel free to email me at any time!


samantha Cizek said...

Jenn, I want you to know that I still think about you and your family all the time! we really do need to get together soon!
Happy birthday baby Matthew..

samantha Cizek said...

Jenn, I want you to know that I still think about you and your family all the time! we really do need to get together soon!
Happy birthday baby Matthew..

AbrahamNee said...


Elizabethlehem said...

I came across your site today and wanted to let you know I read every word of your son's story. I am amazed at how strong you and your family are but know that the strength you have came from the Lord. You have a beautiful boy who will forever live in your heart and through your works. This is something that gives me peace: we will see our loved ones again, the day we enter into eternity. I wonder how people who don't believe in God can make it through a loss thinking that the last time they see that person is the last time. What would be the point of going on? Your story has touched my heart. I pray God continues to comfort you and give you peace.

Stephanie said...

Happy 1st angel versary Matthew, Jenn I'm so sorr this is so late. I was on vacation during this time and I just got back home late last night. You are an amazing woman, I am so grateful of you, because without you I doubt I would be where I am right now, and I know how strong you are, because I took some of that strength from you. I often have the feelings that others forget about Vayden too. I really am so excited for your NPO and I can't wait until everything is ready, I will surely be a fan.

Love you