Matthew's Pictures

March 28, 2010

A Great Mistake

So Josh and I have been discussing recently how we are going to afford to buy a memorial marker for Matthew. If we had started saving money right after he was born, we would have been able to get one by now. However, I wasn't emotionally ready to think about it. To me, his marker makes it final. Other than working on Cherishing the Journey, it's the only piece of him that needs to be completed here on earth, and part of me doesn't want to let go of that.

I had my yearly review at work last week. When I received my piece of paper that shows my increase, it didn't look right to me. I went back to my desk and pulled out my paper from last year, and found that they never actually implemented my raise from last year. Yes, I went an entire year without checking my pay stub. It's all online and I forget to check it.

Dumb- yes.
Benefits me in the end- yes!

So now I get a year's worth of backpay for my raise, which is more than enough to buy Matthew a marker! Amazing how God works, isn't it?

Though my heart breaks to think about "putting this last piece in the puzzle," I want my baby to have something permanent to show who he was. I believe everything happens for a reason, and there's no way I could be upset over such a great mistake!

Here is a picture from his birthday. We brought him flowers, a balloon (it looks really HUGE in the picture, only because it was blowing right in front of the camera), a metal post with a cross hanging from it, and a balloon with a note attached to Matthew that we did not get to send because I forgot the helium! We are going to do it on Easter instead.


Kelly said...

Oh Jenn,

You did a beautiful job decorating for your precious little Matthew...

I remember those feelings of getting Liberty's stone finalized.. on one hand it was agony because, like you said - it was so very final - the 'last piece'. On the other hand when we finally saw it and how beautiful it was, we felt a sense of peace. Plus we felt honored to know that people would have proof that our baby was here and was so priceless to our family. We will be praying for you as you make the steps to get this heart truly breaks to know that you too have to do such a hard thing.

The picture of you at the cemetery is so bitter sweet- on one hand I wish you didn't ever have to go out there, and yet you can FEEL your love for Matthew through this precious picture!!

Hugs to you hun...Many hugs!

Kelly said...

Oh! And I forgot to say - Congrats with the money issue!! That truly is a great mistake!!!!

My Very Own Angel said...

God works in weird ways, but praise God that you noticed the mistake at the perfect time when your eyes were focused on a certain prize. The photo looks great, i think your issue with wanting but not wanting to put the marker down is the same as how I would have stayed my last day of pregnant forever, despite the lack of sleep and all the other things that come along with pregnancy I would have loved to stay pregnant forever.