One Year

Today marks one year since Matthew was born and died. I took the day off from work, knowing that I would be emotional and unable to focus on much except for him today. This is my first post in about six months, and I wish I had been able to post more frequently. But due to time constraints with work, school, kids and everything in between, it didn't work out that way.

As far as plans for today, I am currently working on a non-profit organization for the central Florida area that will provide support for families who are carrying their pregnancy to term, and thought that today would be a good to devote my time to working on the brochure, website, and fundraising ideas. The idea started when I was still pregnant, so things are going slower than I had anticipated, but we will get there. The future website is www.cherishingthejourney.org and I hope to have it up and running this week...but that is just a hope!

We are going to have a small party for Matthew with myself, Josh and the kids this evening. I saw this pretty flag at the Hallmark store for the graveside, so I'm going to pick that up this afternoon for when we go to visit him later today. We have not ordered a marker for him yet due to the cost, so having something there will make me feel a bit better about that. I also have to pick up a cake so we can sing "Happy Birthday" to Matthew and celebrate his life in Heaven.

So now for me emotionally. Today really brings me back to one year ago. I've been thinking about all of the memories of March 8th one year ago and start spilling with tears. On most days, I do very well with my recovery. I think that is mostly because of my busy schedule which doesn't allow any "me" time, and I often feel guilty about not taking enough "Matthew" time.

I have gone on with life in one sense, but in another, I never want his memories to fade. I worry about forgetting everything about him...what time he was born, how big he was, my due date, etc. If I didn't have him, I would be a different person today and I never want to forget that. One issue I do have and am unsure how to react to it, is how people seem to have forgotton about him. I could go on and on about him, but sometimes I get the feeling when talking to people- even family- conversations about Matthew are not welcomed. I want to be able to speak of him, because he is still my son. Why is it that because he is gone, I am expected to stop talking about him? I am thankful that I have this blog and have met so many people who understand me, and who have been there before. Because it can hurt. Alot. Any feedback on this would be greatly appreciated!

I'm so thankful to God for everything He has given us, and especially for Matthew. I wouldn't be where I am in my life right now if it wasn't for the love that He has shown, and the opportunities He has provided us with.

I will try to update the blog when "Cherishing the Journey" progresses a bit further, and would love for everyone to check it out.