Matthew's Pictures

April 8, 2009


Milestone- a significant event or stage in the life, progress, development, or the like of a person, nation, etc.

Abbie will be graduating from PreK next month and will also be performing in her first dance recital.
Raleigh will be entering PreK in August and we will begin to look into sports options, most likely T-ball.

The host of the radio station I listen to was talking the other day about how her brother's birthday was the next day. She had neglected to send him a card, and, knowing she couldn't get one across the country in one day, was asking the listeners for ideas on what to send him. She said it would have been easier had it been her sister's birthday because she could have ordered flowers and had them there on time. Being for her brother, it was a different case.

Her situation struck a pain in my heart. It made me sad. It's one of those moments where I'm doing something completely normal, then a new thought about Matthew comes into mind. This thought was that Abbie and Raleigh would never have their Matthew to send birthday cards to. To watch at his graduation or cheer for at his baseball games.

Because I was the one who carried Matthew for 34 weeks and dealt with more physical and emotional pain, I was very focused on my own healing and the present time. I didn't yet understand what his loss meant to others, even my own family, through now and into the future. I had barely scratched the surface of the pain and wonders that Abbie, Raleigh and Josh would endure.

It makes me think back to what goes through their little minds when mommy and daddy say there will be a new baby in the family. Do they dream of singing him a lullaby, rocking him to sleep, pushing him in the stroller, or just looking at him in amazement with his tiny toes and fingers?

Were their dreams crushed when we told them Matthew would not be coming home with us from the hospital after he is born? Or did new ones begin with thoughts of their own special angel watching them from above?

Today marks one month since Matthew was born and died. Another milestone, and today I am okay. A friend came over and visited with me, and for that I am thankful.
I also went to the Old Time Pottery store this morning looking for an area rug. Instead I found statue of a little boy kneeling in prayer in a garden. Next to him is a scroll with wings at the top of it. The scroll says "Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:4" How perfect. I feel good that I have something to bring to his empty grave.

One last note- we made the Resurection eggs a few days ago that were recommended. The kids had the greatest time scavenging for the items to fill the eggs with, and putting the items and scripture inside. We sat down to go over the story, and Raleigh lost interest after egg #2. Abbie, however, was very into it. She listened intently and loved opening her eggs and giving me the scripture. Sometimes I'll ask them to tell me the story of Easter, and they do really well explaining it. Even Raleigh understands the basics of the story which is wonderful.


Laura said...

Thinking of you...each milestone is so full of significance. You are walking this journey beautifully.

Stacy D said...

Praying for you today... one month. I am glad to hear that you are doing okay today. Praise God for His perfect peace...

~ Stacy

carebear said...

That statue does sound perfect Jenn. Thinking of you and little Matthew. Prayers and hugs.

Leah said...

I am so sorry that I was not there for you yesterday. When you called I felt the urge to come and visit with you, but for some reason you seemed busy. I have an interview on Monday, but maybe I can come and see you afterwards. I love you and I am always thinking of you!

Donielle said...

What a perfect statue for your sweet Matthew!

Stephanie said...

You say wonderful things. You have been so great to me. Because it's almost as if i'm walking behind you, I'm able to better prepare for things, take ideas from you and be there for support. I hardly ever think about anyone else dealing with Vayden other than Van. I sometimes wonder if Vashon is lucky to not be old enough to fully understand. But one day, someday we're going to have to sit him down and explain to him. I dread that day