Matthew's Pictures

April 21, 2009

Working Through Grief

Saturday was Matthew's official due date. It was also our "Family Day" with my company, though I am not yet back to work. Every year the company pays for all permanent employees and their families or a guest to go to the selected theme park for that year. This year was Universal Studios: Islands of Adventure. Josh wasn't able to attend since he was working, but I did invite a friend and her daughter. We had such a blast, and it was a good distraction for the significance of the day. (It also enabled me to make up for the Sea World trip we didn't go on last week!)

Since Matthew died, I have found it so helpful for my healing to spread God's word and talk about what He has done in our lives recently. I had the opportunity to speak a little more in depth to my friend about how amazing my relationship with God is, on our way to Orlando. I really see His plan shaping me into a more loving, caring person everyday. My husband has also noticed, and thanks me for the changes I have made. I tell him, "Don't thank me, thank God." And he does.

When it comes to working through my grief, I don't really have a plan. I seem to be keeping myself as busy as possible with work around the house, runnihg errands, and not leaving much time for myself. I am realizing that I need to change that. I found a Bible study book called "Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy" which is for mothers who lose a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death. I contacted my church to let them know who I am (it's a huge church), tell them Matthew's story, and to see if there is a Bible study that could be started using this reference. They got back with me and said there is already a group using that book! I met with the group leader yesterday to dicuss some ideas I have and talk about the group. Unfortunately next week is the last meeting until the book is finished, but I will be attending anyways.

To throw a little more onto my already full plate (which is what I'm trying to avoid...) I made the quick decision at Abbie's ballet class last night to attend a GriefShare group at church an hour later. It was the second week of the class. I think there are 13 weeks total. When I first saw it in the church bulletin, I thought it would be a great idea. Then I started wondering if it would even help, because I figured I would be the only one who lost a baby. But I felt that God was really telling me to go, so I went. It was a good sized class, maybe 15 people. We saw a video which showed other people who had lost a loved one, and the different effects it had on them. Those in the group also shared their experiences.I was amazed at how much I had in common with those who lost their parent, spouse, uncle, etc. I was sitting there nodding my head, agreeing and relating to what these other people had gone through. I was the only one who had lost a baby, but it was okay. I understand that there is a grief process, and no matter who someone loses, those steps still have to be taken. I will definitely be taking the class every week because I know I am in need of a step-by-step program. I feel like I am subconsciously avoiding my grief by filling up my plate. Sitting in the group last night put it right in my face. My son died. He's not coming back, and it really hurts. Within 30 seconds of sitting in the chair and watching the video, tears were already coming out. That was the point that I realized that I needed that class and those people. And God knew it. He put it on my mind, and He was right. His plan works.


Samantha said...

We had a great time as well! maddie cant stop talking about it. I also wanted to say I really loved being able to talk openly about everything with you and it really made me think about my relationship with God and how I want it to be so much more for me and for Maddie. So thank you for helping me learn that and for sharing your feelings with me. Im glad I was able to be with you on such a hard day. I just kept thinking how I wish I could take your pain away the whole day. your an amazing women and I am proud to be your friend. I hope to see you soon. ps maddie keeps asking if she can go back to your she told ritier all about the day! I hope today is a better day than yesterday and tomorrow is better than today!

carebear said...

Jenn, I'm so thankful you have found a group that will act as your shoulder to lean on as you begin the process of grief. You are right, it's not a "contest". (My grief is worse than your because I've lost TWO people kind of thing) Grief is different for everyone and everyone can learn something new from anyone on how to feel a little bit better. It will never magically "go away", but memories will come with smiles and understanding instead of pain and tears. It's a long road. And even though I've never traveled that road from the loss of child, I hope my support and friendship will help you cope a little too. Hugs to you!

Stephanie said...

I keep you in my prayers often. I look at you as family almost. I know you will be going back to work here soon, please don't forget to keep us updated.

Chelsea Pang said...

You are so wise to examine your feelings or marginalizing of those feelings. Grief is different for everyone and how to 'do' is so individual. I have heard that everyone experiences all the feelings of grief, we all go through it. For some we are totally emersed and overwhelmed for a while or in bursts and for some we let it simmer down below for a while and in comes up to surprise us every once in a while. But we can't avoid it, we can only pretend to avoid it, and that doesn't really help in the long run. You are on the right track! I took 2.5months off and really listened to myself, slowed WAY down, journaled alot-which I never do, and stopped trying and doing. It was so important for me. But I didn't have other children at the time. I had just finished graduate school and felt some pressure to study for my exams and look for a job. But I didn't and I realized, all the details of life aren't that important, having a good relationship with God and my husband and a happy memory of my child in Heaven is important. Praying for you!

Donielle said...

That's awesome that you found that class, and it seems to be helping already if you can tell now that you are avoiding your grief. Good luck with the rest of the classes. I hope that this helps you so much. You would be an awesome leader of such a group.

Anonymous said...

cool!i love it!AV,無碼,a片免費看,自拍貼圖,伊莉,微風論壇,成人聊天室,成人電影,成人文學,成人貼圖區,成人網站,一葉情貼圖片區,色情漫畫,言情小說,情色論壇,臺灣情色網,色情影片,色情,成人影城,080視訊聊天室,a片,A漫,h漫,麗的色遊戲,同志色教館,AV女優,SEX,咆哮小老鼠,85cc免費影片,正妹牆,ut聊天室,豆豆聊天室,聊天室,情色小說,aio,成人,微風成人,做愛,成人貼圖,18成人,嘟嘟成人網,aio交友愛情館,情色文學,色情小說,色情網站,情色,A片下載,嘟嘟情人色網,成人影片,成人圖片,成人文章,成人小說,成人漫畫,視訊聊天室,性愛,a片,AV女優,聊天室,情色